“Get a Hold of Yourself”

I haven’t done this in so long being that my laptop was broken and I couldn’t properly type shit on my stupid blackberry. Plus it gave me finger cramps. I dont know why it works now, but I guess it’s meant to be for me to blog like before haha. And now an update on my life..

Someone told me this as I was falling off the face of the Earth once again. Or so I felt. (You know what, fuck that. In no way was I falling off, I just went through one of those damn phases where I had to question myself and second guess) You ever feel like you put forth so much effort and time and never get the reciprocation you deserve? Yeah I been there and done that. But what I forgot was my worth. What I deserve. I lost myself because of my past, even though I promised I would never let that bullshit affect my future. It takes a toll on you though. You build walls so high up that you can’t even get yourself out and you set standards up to new heights. The thing I forgot to do, was remember who I was. I couldn’t grasp the inner me when it came to someone new coming into my life. I was left to fend for myself and pick up all the shattered pieces that have been dropped and stepped all over and my guards were up like a damn dog trying to keep it’s bone from a dozen (starving, mind you) others.

I ask myself why am I trippin so bad? I’m so accustomed to the act of assuming, trying to read people before I even met them. And that’s obviously lead to my downfall. It’s I, who fucked up because I forgot me somewhere along the lines. Anything in life you chase, runs away. I admit it, I chased. I don’t know if it worked, but I know damn sure it hasn’t changed a thing. It was probably both our faults that we moved in such a rapid pace considering the time we knew eachother and what we’ve been through. What is a girl to do now? The only thing I can do is let time take its course and just ride with it. You can’t really go through life or in fact, “grow through life”, if you’re always planning shit out.. never happens that way.

Anyways my whole schpeel is that fuck, what the hell am I doing? Where is my sense of pride and dignity? I’ve swallowed my pride time and time again BEFORE, but this time it’s gonna be different. I just need to keep it humble.. can’t be tootin my own horn and shit. Yeah, I have my insecurities sometimes but what the fuck, I’m putting the value on myself. I get to say what I am. I know I’m a damn good girl, nose held in the air, with my head on straight. What I’m doing, is degrading who I am. Or actually, it’s what I WAS doing. I know what I deserve, I know what I want and I definitely know what I need. If you want me, come get me.. I’m not doing no chasin anymore. If you don’t want me or need me, then so be it. It’s your loss.. and I really do mean it. Please believe. I need to hold my own and do me like BEFORE BEFORE if you know what I mean. I’m gonna hold the conviction that my self-worth governs my decisions. Fuck a doormat, I’m gonna be your dreamgirl.

So girls, before you let someone put a price tag on you, stop and ask yourself what the fuck is you doin letting someone act like they know your worth.

Prioritize your dignity over all else.

Ain’t thinkin about you

Nananana. Best summer of my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way <3

            Growing up, we followed three essential principles that we thought would lead to a happy and joyful life; we lived and breathed faith, love, and forgiveness. As a child I didn’t quite grasp the ideas, or at least properly apply it to my life, as I was just learning how to grow up and jump all these “life hurdles” independently. I’m almost nineteen and I have yet to totally understand everything, although recently I somewhat feel that I’ve been taught all three lessons in a matter of months. You and I both know that my past relationships have all been bullshit; they were trials that tested my ability as a person to love and care for someone other than myself and somehow prove my carelessness that lied deeply beneath my cold iron heart. I guess you can call what I had relationships even though all I ever did was “talk” to people. They were as meaningless and as innocent as chasing someone around the playground and giving them your cooties in Kindergarten. As every boy came along to grab a hold of my trust, play with it for a while, and then throw it away like an old worn out toy, I grew more and more incapable of confiding in anybody besides my family. Each time I got hurt, it was another brick that piled on top of another to form a wall as high as the sun can see and so thick that within those walls of mine all you can hear is the ringing of silence. You see, I’ve been hurt too many damn times to really open up and care, and that’s the story of my life. From then on, I’ve been as heartless as a crack den. I didn’t care for anybody, as crude and selfish as it sounds, it’s true. I’m sorry but it’s just too damn true. After my last relationship, it was hard to crack my shell. Knights that wanted to rescue the damsel in distress, and climb that steep tower to get to me gave up before they tried, and I can’t blame them because honestly, I probably wouldn’t have given them the time of day. Nothing was worth my precious time anymore, and if you’re reading this thinking, “Oh, she must’ve been one lonely girl..”, I’ll go ahead and cosign you on that one, yeah that’s exactly who I was and I was okay with it as long as I didn’t get hurt.

            Nearing into the New Year, it was the end of October and I was at what I thought my prime. I needed nobody other than my family and friends and I was happy with what I had. I was satisfied with how things were going at the time: I had a good job, great friends, a loving family; I was independent and it was the best feeling in the world… everything I could ask for. I didn’t feel as if I needed a “significant other” to complete me, whereas before I somehow convinced myself that it was exactly what I needed to be satisfied. I was wrong of course (or at least that’s what I thought at the time). I can’t really come to think of how things played out the night I met you and really explain what happened. It was definitely something random and unplanned, but it all happened as if a book had already been written in permanent ink and that’s how everything needed to be. As if everything was set in stone, fate brought us all together that night. So many coincidences took place and that’s all we talked about the next morning. We couldn’t help but wonder why we were there and how it was the right place to be at the right time. That’s exactly what it was…the right place at the right time. And that’s how it all began.

            That was what I called the start to a beautiful beginning. Like I said, at the time I didn’t give anyone the time of day anymore. What reason did I have to let you into my life? Let’s just say that I’m a chronic dreamer. I can fly and dream for days about whatever, whenever, about who ever, and alongside that comes my beliefs on fate and how “everything happens for a reason”. Funny, right? Because the whole time, that’s all we said. I’ve told myself over and over again that if someone happens to come knocking on my doorstep unexpectedly, it meant something. Like you always say, when opportunity comes at your door, take it and that’s exactly what I did. In no way was I looking for someone and for us to bump into each other the way that we did had all kinds of bells and sirens ringing in my head telling me that what had happened was fate. Laugh if you’d like, but I’m not going to repeat myself. A girl can dream can’t she? Each day to me was another step built for our stairway; another lesson to learn. I felt emancipation in a sense because I was freed. Freed from that cold, hard wall that took me forever and a day to build, closing off everything that came my way, and I felt new again. You wanted us to grow and that’s what was happening. Each day was a milestone in which we discovered something new, whether it was a rocky mountain we had to climb together or a grassy hill we rolled down with ease and steadiness. You gave me the gift of selflessness. I finally felt what it was like to give and get back. I cared so much for you and I got the same affection back, and that’s what I enjoyed the most. If you knew me, and I mean really knew me, you’d know that I don’t like to sit around and waste time doing nothing. Seriously, who likes to do that? By some means, I was okay with being lazy and laying around with you. It was too easy to communicate without words. Like those moments where you can stare at each other for as long as possible and just smile and laugh at the same time like we both knew what we were thinking about. It was like that. I may sound cheesy when I say this but I’ve really transformed into a new person. I’ve learned to get out of my days than get through them, love and respect my family, enjoy my job, and most importantly take care of myself. In addition to all of that, I learned and revealed something that I thought I’ve always lacked. I never thought that I could really care for someone so much in my life. It was to the point where those little calls in the morning or texts before work, set my day straight and had me looking forward to the night because that’s when I got to see you. Every moment has been seared into my memory. I just hope that I’ve given you just as much as you’ve offered me. I know that I have actually.

            Despite all the schmucks and giggles, we’ve had our darker times. I’ve never felt more devastated and betrayed that morning I found out, only because the day before I thought we had one of the best times since we’ve met. But, I forgave you. I found it in my dark and delicate heart to forgive you because it was you who opened it up for new light to shine in. I was willing to look past the wrongs you have done for the reason that I thought you were worth it. No, I knew you were worth it. Because I knew everything was real and not some figment of my intricate imagination. You had the choice of A or B, and you went with A. *ding ding ding! DAMN GOOD CHOICE. We were happy after that. How do I know? Because each time I saw you, we’ve had our awkward (but good) silences where out of nowhere you’d just come out and say it. That was my favorite. We did new things together and planned for so much. I never thought that it would come to that. So serious to the point where you introduced me to everyone we came across as your lady, and unexpectedly introduce me to the most important people in your life, your family. And you had no problem doing it. So serious that I practically LIVED with you for a good month. I felt like the past three months were just the beginning, the very beginning to a strongly bonded relationship. And albeit I don’t like to believe in this, all fairy tales must come to a tragic ending. That’s what we had… a fairytale. Make-believe.

            This is exactly what I was afraid of. To be alone. To be left with the short end of the stick. To feel conned. I don’t know what I had to do to prove to you that I was worth it. I’ve always had this chilly whisper at the left side of my ear telling me that a part of you still wasn’t at peace. I listened to the right side though, which told me that you were here for a reason, and if being with me wasn’t right, you would’ve been gone. I guess you were just being the crowd pleaser that you just loved being. Somehow you suddenly changed your mind and didn’t know what you wanted anymore. I’m sure it was the guilt that got to you. I understand and I most certainly can’t blame you. I know undoubtedly that you are still confused, but it’s up to you to fix whatever battles you have with yourself. Frankly, I’m definitely bitter. Bitter for the moment because you left me without an answer for who knows how long, when you knew exactly what you wanted. But yet again, you had to sugarcoat it and talk out of your ass with such negligence. You say that my feelings were in your best interest but how dare you even manipulate me like that and do something so dirty and conniving. I don’t even know you anymore. You hypocritically went against your own words and decisions and I’m left speechless. Speechless because I thought you were selfless, charming, street-smart, genuine, caring, and all of the above. You went from growing, growing, growing, to going back to what you’re used to. And now you’re stuck with what you’re comfortable with. But let me tell you this, don’t you ever get too comfortable. And to mockingly top it off with a bright red cherry, you confronted me in the worst, most childish way possible, a social networking site in which I could’ve sworn you say you never use. I took not one, but two slaps to the face as you shot me down with these sweet nothings to the other in what was supposed to be MY MESSAGE to set me free and TRY to put my heart at ease. How could you take two of your problems, mesh them into one and expect me not to feel disrespected? You’re one to talk about disrespect. If you cared, I mean really cared… even just a little bit, you would’ve went straight to the point with me and left out everything that I need not here because I already know the business. But, no. You just had to bring her into it and confess your love for her after you’ve betrayed her in the worst way possible. How could you ever disrespect two women like that? You were right when you said you needed to work on yourself. On fucking point.

Just what I needed.

I forgive you. Forgive you for playing with my heart and my feelings. For lying, manipulating, and misleading me. I told you about forgiveness and how important it is to apply it to your life as much as possible, but I feel that my heart can only forgive so much. You incessantly lied to my face, as well as her* and I’m sorry to say this but you should be ashamed of yourself. I don’t think you’ve taken this to the extent where your disgusted with your actions because you know for a fact that you’ll always have something to land on, which is her*. You think you are capable of lying to a woman’s face over and over again and get away with it. Your promises mean nothing, and I’m disappointed in her* as a woman if she takes you back with open arms. Because you know what, you know she’d take you back in a heartbeart, which is what she’s probably been doing for the past years. Think about what self-respect means. You demonstrated in the biggest way possible that you do not love or respect her. Not only is this whole situation blatant disrespect to her, but it is for me as well. Two slaps to the fuckin face. It’s funny how my perception of you changed from a genuine, kind-hearted man to the physical manifestation of a con-artist. Someone that everyone crosses paths with once in their lives. They work condescendingly for their own benefit to have the best of both worlds. I’ve just lost so much respect for you as a person. I don’t fully understand why you didn’t just tell me from the get. I waited and waited, for what? For you to tell me what I already knew. Not just what I knew, but what everyone knew. I should’ve known, I should’ve listened to my friends. I should’ve honored their words more compared to yours. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. I don’t regret any of this. As a matter of fact I’m so much of a better person because of you. Now I know how to dissect and diagnose these little games that people play. You’re right, I’m probably going to have so much trust issues in the future because YOU fucked it up for me. Thank you so much for living up to the stereotype men uphold nowadays. I hope you too will learn from this. When you got a good girl on your side, hold on. Hold on for dear life and appreciate what you got. You really don’t realize what you have until it’s gone. And to add on, you confronted me in the most childish way possible, FACEBOOK. Which obviously shows that you don’t care enough that you hurt someone who’s been hurt way too many fuckin times. Someone who built a wall up so high that only clouds can see me hiding. I was content in my comfort zone, and then you came along to destroy that wall I had. Now I’m left to build it ONCE AGAIN. But that’s okay because I’m learning. You can apologize as much as you want.. forgive but never forget. I too felt that cold wind when it hit, but out of all people you didn’t feel it. I have finally reached my epiphany. This was exactly what I need to initiate my path into healing. I will keep going and I won’t look back. It will drift into my memories and all I could do is smile. Laugh at it. Just because looking back from November till now, I’ve grown to the point where I can easily determine my wants from my needs, realize what I deserve and my self-worth. Something you need to do. I been told you that you need to do things that will make you happy. I hope you’re happy with the decisions you’ve made thus far and chose the right path. I agree, you do need to work on yourself and have a lot to improve on. I can’t stress that enough. I wish you the best of luck.


And I leave you with this.
“Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned.
Mistake overturned,
So I call it a lesson learned.
My soul has returned,
So I call it a lesson learned.
Another lesson learned.” -Alicia Keys

Feels so damn good to hear my father’s voice again. It’s only been a week, and I can already feel next year coming. I miss you, I love you, I can’t wait to see you next year.

You’re right, all we need is time… Time to heal all wounds. And now, I wait. Things are getting better, I’ve never been more confident.

Letting go.

I’ve had the best months of my life. From the end of October till now. I never thought that I could’ve been so happy. (Yes, past tense.)

Currently, I am lost beyond belief. I felt like I’ve let go of something so great. Like I done gave up on the both of us, when I really should be fighting for you. I let go of something so great that my well-being has been corrupted at the moment. It sucks how things just fall into place as it falls apart. I looked at my old tumblr post from a couple of months ago and it made me smile. Smile because I’ve realized how blessed I am to have had this happen to me. I could post a novel, but my mind and conscience is jumbled. I’ve been literally laying in bed all week since Wednesday. Thanks to everyone trying to call me and all that good stuff, but for now I need to be alone. I need to do a lot of thinking and re-evaluating. Stuck is all I am, no worries.

All I can say now, to all of you reading my blog who want updates and some kind of response to my current predicament… I haven’t let go, even though I said I would. I’ve fallen in love, and I’m still falling. Someone save me ):

Ok I gave in.

www.formspring.me/michellerondolo

ask away!!

I’m probably one of the happiest girls in the world right now (:

It always returns.

& you know I only blog when somethings wrong.

The last months have been so good to me, way too good. I didn’t think that it was ever possible for me to be happy.. but I was these past couple of weeks or so. I’ve recently been getting into “Stairway to Heaven” again. Continuing where I left off, I think it was at Episode 9. I went back a couple and re-watched it to refresh my memory. I swear this drama gets to me, even though I gotta read the subtitles super fast to understand what was going on. Still haven’t finished it.. I have about 10 more episodes to go. I know it sounds lame of me to be watching these Korean soap operas, but now that I think of it.. being in my current situation, it just all makes sense.

& by it, I really don’t know what I mean. But I’m gonna try to explain it.. in as little words as possible and hopefully as little tears.

I normally don’t open up to anybody.. really, I don’t. I’m afraid to break down this Great Wall of China that I have as my protection. Trust is something I hold sacred, and it takes a lot to be able to get a hold of it. I’ve recently broke down this barrier I had, and risked a lot. I knew that in the past I would always get hurt. Always getting the short end of the stick. I thought this time would be different because it felt so different. Janell & Regina knew it was different, because they saw a side of me that they’ve never seen. Looking back on it, they’re right. I was always a selfish person. I thought nothing of anyone else, and I did things for the benefit of me. Always always me. That’s how I grew up I guess. Let’s just say I let someone borrow my trust. Maybe even more than borrow. Kind of like for keepsies ya know? Everything was good from the start. The first day.. I don’t know how, I just knew. I knew that what I had in front of me, was something that I’ve never had before. Let alone ever come by. I didn’t think anything of it, because after that day I thought it was a one time type of thing. But later on that day, I get a sign. It’s really hard to beat around the bush.. so I’m layin it all out. Hopefully whoevers reading this caught on. If not, then fuck. I’m hella bad at story telling.

So the next day, he texts me and I felt like that was it. The way we even met was fate. I may seem like a typical girl. Seeming like I’m hella obsessed or something. BUT trust, anyone who knows me knows for a fact that I don’t fall like that. I’m a pretty smitten person, or so some say, but it’s never serious. As days progress, I felt like everyday was a milestone. In sucha  short amount of time, I’ve grown to like him. I don’t think anyone would ever understand but me.. like something that came out of a movie. I took time out of my schedule to see him, sacrificed so much. Called out of work sometimes just so I can see him, or risk my relationship with my father who I already don’t get along with. From then on, I felt that things would only go up from where we were. We told eachother where we stood, and it felt like we were on the same page. The same paragraph. The same sentence. And it’s true. To this day I believe it’s true. It’s only been about 2 months since I’ve known him, but I feel like it was much more. We’ve probably done more than anybody else would’ve done in a year. Or at least I’d like to think that.

With every Cinderella story, comes a tragic ending. (That’s what I’ve always said.. most of the time it’s way too good to be true) I’m not gonna go into detail about what exactly happened, but if only you knew what I was going through right now. I’ve never in my life felt so betrayed. I gave it my all, and from what he said, he wanted it to work. Of course, you don’t pass Prince Charming relatively. Somehow, I fell for everything. Not just everything, but I fell for him. I believe he fell too. It just sucks that I fell twice as hard. At the second I found out about things, I was infuriated. What girl wouldnt? Its something that we all don’t want to happen to us. It’s happened to me way too many times, and I thought I would learn from the mistakes I made. But I guess I still have some learning to do. Right now, I’m still in disbelief. Hard to swallow. Literally. I’ve had this weird feeling in my stomach. And like Janell said.. it’s because I’m torn. The way things ended hurt me the most. Before he left my car he said “you’ll be okay.” “Just know that whatever happened between us meant a lot to me.” “Thank you.” and “Goodbye Michelle. If you ever need anything, just let me know, and I’m all ears”. My heart dropped. It’s as if that was the end of it. Regina told me that he said he was gonna go with it. And that he wasn’t gonna call it quits, when we got into a huge argument. This time, I think it’s done. He had the ball in his court. I layed all my card out on the table, spilt my heart out and more. He dropped the ball, and left the court. Now I know why girls cry after a hard break up. Even though this wasn’t a break up… it hurts so much. to know that I put in so much effort, and I get nothing but a broken heart. In the end, like he said, he got what he wanted. He was selfish and didn’t think anyone would get hurt. Who got hurt though? How many of us got hurt? Not only the three of us, but my friends as well. My friends, who let him into their lives. Let him grow on us, and lend him our trust. I never get what I want in any situation. I really don’t. In this case, I didn’t as well. I’m carrying so much on my shoulders right now. My eyes are swollen to the point where I have coinslot eyes. My hair a mess because I didn’t bother to show a little decency. My chest heavy with sadness, anger, and disappointment. Words caught in my throat because I didn’t get to say enough. Fingers, hands, cold because you know what they say.. cold hands warm heart. If anything, I would’ve wished that we could’ve been friends. Because he was such a good person. Despite the multiple times he tried to convince me otherwise. I felt the righteousness of his heart. Every human makes mistakes. I said it, HUMAN. He made the mistake. And now he has to own up to it. They always said that a broken heart is the hardest thing to mend.

Right now, I don’t know what I want. I’m left with two options: I can live and let go.. forgive and forget. Or be on good terms. But both are equally as difficult. I wish there was an option of just deleting everything from my memory..like in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”.. which we watched together as well.. but that’s something so irrational. As funny as it sounds, I wish that he asked if we could just start over. And learn from what happened. Afterall, he wanted to grow with me? And that’s what we were doing.. growing with eachother. But now it’s stunted. I feel like I can accept everything for what it is. He always told me that when an opportunity came up, you just have to take it. And you know what, I’m willing to risk it all, and take that opportunity.. like he did. Hoping for the best, and praying that I made the right choice. Right now I’m following my heart, because my mind is no where to be found. In no way can someone revive my thoughts and help me think straight. This horrid feeling I have not only in my head, but in my heart is something that cannot be replicated by any other situation. The pain I feel in unbearable. It’s different. I’d much rather have a fat ass paper cut or just have a huge brick hit me. Maybe it’d knock some sense into my head. As stupid as it sounds, I don’t want to let go. Have you ever had that feeling where you knew something was real? I feel like this is too real, and even though it sounds easy to just move on with my life, I can’t. And that’s not me being the stubborn person I normally am. The way things fell into place was something out of a fairy tale. I wasn’t looking for anybody the day we met. I guess things do happen for a reason. I just hope things will get better. All I want to do is be happy. I thought I had the world not too long ago. I have a loving family, I have friends who cared and were down as fuck, have 2 jobs in a place where it was as hard as finding 20 dollars on the street, and I found someone I thought I could share my adventure book with. It’s probably what we both wanted. And now I feel all that is gone. I have to fix everything, mend everything that was broken. It took me a while in a similar situation, and now I’m back to square one. Right before the new year. Where we both said we’d start over. And live a lifestyle that would benefit us in the longrun. Not ”living in the moment” type thing.

The more and more I think about it, the more my tummy hurts. It’s like the opposite of butterflies. It’s like bees in my stomach.. bouncing off the walls and moving their way up to my throat to the point where I try to talk, and choke.

In one of the Episodes on Stairway to Heaven I remembered a line that Songjoo Oppa and Jungsuh constantly said. Probably a theme throughout the whole drama. “Love always returns.” And NO I’m not saying that this was ”love”. But it was a deep sense of fondness towards someone other than myself or my family. I’d like to think that something like this would return. Whether it be him, or someone else. At the moment, I feel like I’ve lost it. Like I’ll never get it back because you know what, I know there’s “more fish in the sea” but who am I gonna compare all these fish too? Him. Because I thought he could be the one to make me happy. I wish I could be in a world without pain & suffering… somewhere like Heaven. See, I’ve been watching these shows too much. But it all makes sense. We watched it together for a reason, and all of this happened for a reason. I just need to find my way out of this tunnel.. someway, somehow. If you were willing to risk it all at the moment, why let it all go now?

And after all of this, I’m thankful for what I have. My family, who always taught me to follow my heart and never let my guard down. My faith. Even though I’m not as religious as I was before. I’ve taken into account that if there’s anything to give in the world.. is forgiveness. My friends, who were there for me. Cried with me. Answered my call at 9-10 in the morning.. because I was crying. I can’t get over the fact that I cried. Because I don’t cry. I thought I was the most heartless person in the world… but this scenario is different. I’ve stated that many times. “Different”. And it’s something that I’ve always wanted in my life.. change.  

Time will tell. It always does.

I have never felt so stalked in my life